Hello again.

After a very long hiatus, I've decided to perhaps pick up blogging again, although it may still be sporadic—I make no promises. I'm hesitant to commit to this again for a number of reasons:
1. I'm not very good at writing posts consistently.
2. I'm insecure about my ability to write well.
3. I have very little time.

However, after my mother encouraged me that my writing may indeed be worth reading, and because I know this is a good creative outlet for me, I will see where this goes.

Here's something I was thinking of recently. I have had many people tell me I have "an eye" for things, and I think I have a good ear for music; both of which are very important to me. However, I don't think I'm able to create what I have an eye or ear for. I thought to myself (while driving to work listening to Mumford and Sons, which always gets me thinking philosophically), I have eyes to see and ears to hear, but no mouth to sing or hands to create. And that really saddened me. It got me wondering if that fact lessens the value of having eyes and ears to see and hear if I'm not able to create something from it. One could also think of this in a spiritual sense: if I have eyes to see and ears to hear what the Lord is saying and doing, but can't take that and make something of it, then does it have value just sitting within me? Or perhaps I do have a mouth to speak and hands to create when it comes to spiritual things. I don't know. It all just got me thinking. I guess I'd rather at least be able to see, hear, know, appreciate than not, even if I can't make something new of it all.

Check out the Mumford and Sons song that partially inspired this train of thought: Below My Feet
Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

That's my prayer, that I am able to learn and serve; that I am able to do, not just see or hear. I'm desperate to do.

Lady in Pink

I had probably one of the weirdest (if not THE weirdest) experiences yesterday evening. I had gone downtown to renew our vehicle registration (on the very last possible day, of course) and was making my way down to the Churchill LRT station when a Clareview train pulled up. As I was walking down the stairs and watching people get off, I noticed a woman hurry off the train and up the escalator who was only wearing a pink bra and underwear set and was trying to cover herself with a newspaper. As I watched her hurry away, all I could think in my stunned stupor was if I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing. It just totally blew my mind and I walked towards my train in a daze. The part that bothers me the most about this experience is that it didn't occur to me to offer the poor woman something to cover herself up with. I was wearing an extra layer (a long cardigan) that I could've offered to her, but that never even occurred to me until she was long gone. I don't want my mind to shut off when I see situations like that. I want to have the mind of Christ and immediately think of how I can help those in need. I feel like I failed. I really hope she's ok.

Figuring It All Out

Well, today I learned a valuable lesson: I shouldn't try to figure everything out on my own with Google Search as my only tool. Things just aren't always as they seem. I'm actually relieved about that at this point.

I'm also starting to wonder if Chad is right about me. He says that I'm always looking for the next thing to focus my attention on, the next big thing to busy myself with. After the wedding was over and I didn't have to spend every waking moment thinking about it, he asked me what the next thing was that I would be working towards. At first I was kind of offended and said I was just going to relax and that I didn't always need to have something big on the go. Now I'm wondering if maybe it's true. After only a couple of months I started to get a little stir crazy and asking myself weird questions like "what is the point of my life?" and stuff like that. That's when it started to occur to me that maybe I did always need/want something to be working towards. I've checked marriage off my list, so what's next? I do the same thing with the small stuff too. Once I get one little project done, I'm quickly off to the next. Why am I so bad at relaxing? Why do I suck at living in the moment? Why do I always have to move on to the next thing? Do I think that once I get/achieve this next big thing then I'll feel better about myself, but once that doesn't happen I just move on to the next thing? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it's not so bad to always be working towards something more or to be a better person. I guess it depends on my motivation. If I'm doing that only because I never feel good about myself the way I am now, then maybe that's not so good. However, if I accept myself for who I am now, but still reach for something more, maybe that's ok. I guess it still comes down to moderation. Even if I have the right motivation, I still need to take time to live in the moment and relax and focus my attention on those around me.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling on now.

Tears

Last night, as we were going to sleep, Chad decided we should pray. Sounds like a good idea, so I spend the next 5 minutes or so gathering up the courage to pray out loud in front of him. Ridiculous. I've never been more comfortable with someone than I am with Chad, and yet I feel so much hesitation when it comes to praying out loud. I guess I still have a lot of work to do in this area. However, after he prayed, I did manage to squeak out a few prayers and while praying for my parents I started to cry. Chad asked me if I missed them and I said "I guess I do", thinking that I wouldn't be crying otherwise. I always find it weird when there's lag time between what my heart is feeling and what my mind is understanding. So I guess I really miss my parents and I'm wondering if the recent recurrence of missing Max has something to do with that. I think what really hurt was becoming more aware of the distance between my parents and I now. It makes me feel disconnected from them and I hate that.

So I cried last night and woke up this morning with alien eyes.

Writing

I haven't written in a long time. Anywhere. No blogging, no journaling, nothing. It's just that I don't really feel like sitting down and writing. I don't know why. It's not like those times in my life when I didn't want to write because I didn't like what was happening. I'm not avoiding what's going on by not writing about it. I just don't feel inspired to write I guess, at least until now. I'm listening to a song by Kathleen Edwards (Goodnight, California) and it's reminding me of my dog Max. I still really miss him. I don't think about him all the time anymore, but when I do I really miss him and it still really hurts that he's gone. I just think about how good, pure, perfect, and lovely he was. He was what God was talking about when He said I should think about those things.















So I'm married now. I have to say that, overall, being married is really great :) We've been married for almost 2 months, so not very long, but it's interesting to me how quickly I've adjusted to certain aspects of it. I'm not having a hard time getting used to living with Chad. It just feels really natural. And I'm really attached to sleeping with him at night already. So much so that I didn't get much sleep when he went away to Winnipeg for a week. Being together in marriage is making our love for each other grow deeper and stronger and to me that's kind of surprising and absolutely fantastic :)

My parents moved back to Newfoundland recently. It all happened so fast that I wasn't really sure what to think or do, so I just tried to love them and be there for them in whatever decisions they were making. I certainly hope that going home turns out wonderfully for them and that it will be everything they want it to be. I really believe it's that time in their lives when they need to make decisions based on what's best for them, and not so much for us kids. The thing is, we're adults now and have started our own lives and need to let them go back to taking care of themselves. They came here for us. Now they've gone back home for them.

That's all for now I guess.

Max

I've been considering posting about Max since yesterday, but I'm afraid to because I'm afraid it will hurt too much. I am in so much pain right now and I have such a huge sense of loss that talking about him automatically brings tears to my eyes. He was the most wonderful pet anyone could ever ask for. He had such a gentle spirit combined with an amazing exuberance for life. He brought so much joy to my family that the void he has left seems too much to bear at times. He was 13 years old, so it was probably just his time, but I was no where near ready to let him go. He always seemed so young that the reality of his age never really hit me. I rarely had thoughts about how old he was or how he seemed to be slowing down, because he never seemed to be.

I got the call that he was dying Tuesday night and had to go say goodbye Wednesday morning. I was determined to be there with him when they put him down because I didn't want him to be alone. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was a complete mess, sobbing and sobbing and telling him that it would be ok and that I loved him, holding him in my arms while he passed away. Seeing him lying there without any life left in him was more than I could bear, but at the same time I didn't want to leave because I knew I'd never see him again. Now I'm just trying to deal with the emptiness inside my heart. It feels like nothing else really matters right now, only the fact that he's gone.

I know in time the pain will go away, but I'll never forget him. He gave me unconditional love and I'll forever be grateful that I had him in my life.

Things I'm Thinking About

So today it occurred to me that I'm getting married in 12 weeks. 12. That's not very many weeks. Finally it's starting to feel close and that makes me both very excited and somewhat nervous. Very excited because I'm looking forward to getting married, but somewhat nervous because I know that there's lots to do and that not everything will go smoothly. I think the next 3 months are going to be very busy. We got the apartment we were hoping for, so I'm moving in for May. I'm really excited to move and to set up the apartment for Chad and I. Having our own place is going to be so much fun :)

I went and picked up my dress for the wedding on Friday and I'm super excited about it! The seamstress did an excellent job and it fits me so well :) I'm not very good at visualizing things, so it was hard for me to imagine what it would look like in the end. Now, when I look at the pictures that Laura took of me in the dress, I finally get what it will look like and I don't think it could've turned out any better :)

I'm thinking about my dog Max today. He has to go in and get neutered tomorrow (he's 13 years old) because he has an enlarged prostate and it's causing him to get sick. I went to see him on Sunday and he seemed so down, which was really sad to see because normally he's so energetic and happy. I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about him until he's himself again.